Hello lads! I'm a stable kind of chap, who likes nothing more than golfing where the golf balls are actually hedgehogs. The first thing people usually notice about me is my considerate personality, closely followed by my smashing elbows. My life goals include: staring in the next Star Wars film and becoming a quasi-medieval herbalist.

When life gives you lemons, just remember the Deep State is always watching. Some people find that terrifying, but in my heart I know that the fact that aliens are colluding with the government to turn us all into human-sized pickles is something we shouldn't fear: Embrace it. Embrace the pickle!

No, wait, explain it to me again. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. I think. So, people just put them everywhere? Anyone can do it? It seems a bit strange to me, honestly. What are they called again? Right, right... Memes. I'll get the hang of them one day.

You know what I love most in life? Rubber. Ducks. If you haven't seen my collection — my favorites are green rubber duck #124 and classic yellow rubber duck #20 — you absolutely must tell me, so I can take you to the underground vault where I go every day to dust and polish them.

Hey. Hey, you. Yeah, you. Wanna buy a... funnel cake? Yeah, you heard me: a funnel cake. I got 'em all right 'ere in my food truck. Ones with chocolate, ones with powdered sugar, ones with berries, anythin' you want! They're affordable too. All I'm askin' for is a small portion of your soul!

Just so you know, before we get started with all this, my ideal date would be hiking in the Alps, chased by someone wearing a Babadook costume -- but covered in peanut butter. Now, let's get down to business: Yes, I do believe I have a spiritual connection to the Jack-in-the-Box on E Colorado that transcends space and time, but, no, Shakespeare was not abducted by aliens.

Every other Tuesday, I go to the beach and write messages with the hope that one day my true love will read them and find me there waiting. In the event he doesn't, however, my backup plan is to finish my death ray and take over the world from my secret headquarters on the Moon.

Somewhere, in the world, there's a bisexual Finnish woman who wants to pursue her dreams of being a sous chef. She grew up in working class neighborhood, surrounded by her loving family -- and though her current relationship has been driving her to near insanity, she'll soon find the path to success during a road trip to Pamukkale in Turkey. I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?

When they told me I had to jump up and down, then stretch up the sky? I said fine. When they told me I had to try breathing as though I was doing it through a straw? I said fine. When they said I had to moo like a cow and buzz like a bumblebee? I said HELL YES.

It's not the destination that makes it all worthwhile, it's the french fries. And I'm not talking basic salt-n-pepper strings of once-potato dreaming it could be something great -- no, no I mean the real stuff: curled, spiced, and thicc. If you haven't looked at your french fry and wondered how many miles it'll unroll into, then you simply haven't lived.

A wise wizard once said, 'Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic.' With that in mind, I decided to become an undercover operative for the FBI. Little does OoC know, I'm actually investigating an infraction of tax code 1092-A subsection 31-alpha that this group is party to.

Tea? I just finished brewing a pot. I have all 84 different kinds of sugar, depending on your preferences, as well as marmalade, yellow curry, a block of lead, three ground nuts of various origins, and two photons from the heart of a dying star for extra flavorings. I'm sure you're curious, so yes, I got the marmalade at Whole Foods.